SPLAT: Anthropocenic Minerals
by GrahamToast
Summary: The lives of Peridot, Amethyst and Pearl intertwine in a totally unexpected way as completely mundane stuff leads into an epic confrontation. Will friendship prevail? (Spoiler: yes) Special guest stars: Sadie Miller, cardboard OCs and the magic of storytelling.
1. Caught in the act

**LARS = PINK DIAMOND**

 **LARS WAS PINK DIAMOND ALL ALONG!**

 **IT'S TRUE.** Spoiler warning! whoops, too late...

 **SPLAT: Anthropocenic Minerals  
** \- A Steven Universe fanfic written by GrahamToast

Surgeon General's warning: contains non-recyclable materials

and plenty of leftovers

-o-

"If you want your children to be intelligent, read them fairy tales." - Albert Einstein

 **Disclaimer/foreword:**

I don't own any of the characters, settings or software presented in this story (nor do I own up to _anything_ ). Steven Universe was created by Rebecca Sugar. It's produced by that one guy and some of the music was created by Aivi & Surasshu. They have a Soundclod account, go check it out. SU is sometimes aired on Cartoon Network.

This story is rated T (Train Wreck) for some disrespectful language.

* * *

 **Chapter 1:** Minecraft through Joy ( _Mein Kraft durch Freude_ )

"Riches and ores." - Random quote from Minecraft

'

 **The door opened with a thump, and in stepped a greem gem. Not just any gem, for she was Peridot.**

Peridot, the honorary member of the Crystal Gems was ecstatic: she had hacked into Mojang's servers and pirated a full copy of the famous sandbox video game, Minecraft, and had installed it on the Crystal Temple's desktop computer. It was a suitably powerful gaming PC (pronounced PeeSea), fully capable of running the shoddily programmed game.

Of course, Peridot had bought the PC with hard earned money, or so she claimed.

"Attention, everyone!" Peridot addressed the Crystal Gems and their two allies: Connie, Lapis Lazuli, who was not officially a Crystal Gem. "I have selected Minecraft as our next competition event for our bi-weekly game fest. According to several online sources, Minecraft is the best game ever made - right after Super Beach City Fighter 2 Turbo, of course.

The rules are simple: each one of us plays the game for an hour, and the one who manages to bring most riches to the home base I've built, wins. Just place your findings in the treasure chest, there should be enough room. If not, craft another chest. Yes, Amethyst?"

Amethyst had indeed raised her hand. "Uh, do we play on the same computer?"

"No. I have installed the game and the pre-created game world on all the machines: this new gaming PC, Greg's old machine, my own laptop, Steven's smart phone, Connie's smart phone and on the Ruby ship's flight computer. Let me see... Me, Steven and Connie have our own devices. Lapis, you can use the new PC. Garnet, you play on Ruby's ship computer. As we are one machine short, Pearl and Amethyst, you can take turns on Greg's old PC. I have installed two instances of the game on it. Any more questions?"

There were none.

"All right! Do your best, everyone! Remember: loser has the honor of cleaning the Barn and the Temple. Winner gets to pick the next game, and there's also a special prize. Good luck!"

An hour passed. Actually, after 30 minutes, Amethyst announced that she had found enough treasures and headed for the kitchen, keen on replenishing her energy. Not that she needed to do that.

Pearl, the mean gem who had cruelly punched Peridot in the face, started the game. "I'll show them!" she thought aloud.

After the first hour had passed, everyone else but Pearl decided to watch TV. "Pearl, how's it going? Find anything cool?" Steven asked.

"No, I... GAAHHH! This stupid game, why, I ought to..." Pearl complained as she was bitten by a spider.

"DING DONG! Time is up!" Peridot announced after checking her chronometer. "Time to compare the contents of our chests!"

Amethyst and Lapis exchanged glances and snickered. "She said 'chests', heh, heh, heh," Amethyst laughed.

Peridot crossed her arms. "I do not see the funny(tm) in that. I will inspect your chest first."

"HA HA HA HA! Did you guys hear that? She wants to inspect my chest!" Amethyst laughed.

"Ahem. You may show her when the children aren't around," Garnet said, spoiling the fun. "For now, just show her the treasures."

"Oh, okay. Here's what I found," Amethyst said, opening her treasure chest - in the game, that is.

"Let's see... You have found mushrooms, apples, pork chops, fish, corn, cake, tons of bread - did you bake it yourself? Fast work. Ah, you also found amethysts. Very good! That could earn you a second or third place," Peridot said. "Let's see what the rest of you have found..."

Steven had found curious rose colored quartz veins. What a surprise!

Lapis Lazuli had found lots of lapis lazuli blocks. She had also found one peridot. "In other words, I found love," Lapis said, making Peridot's cheeks change color from 99ff6b to 7befab.

Garnet had found rubies and sapphires.

"Heh. Those are very Garnet - like treasures. What about you, Connie?" Peridot asked.

"I found the 7 cities made of gold, ancient mine shafts and all kinds of artifacts. I couldn't fit all of it in my inventory, so I brought a bit of everything: spider silk, bones, green limestone, a saddle, an obsidian broadsword called Stormbringer, a yoyo and an autographed Phil Collins vinyl record. I believe I'm today's champion."

"Not bad, not bad," the adorable, beautiful and humble Peridot admitted. "But let us take a look at my findings: I found diamonds - blue diamonds and yellow diamonds. Naturally, I crafted them into green diamonds. They are the most valuable diamonds in the game. I also seem to have picked up some saplings and seeds (EPIC FORESHADOWING). Strange! But I suppose your Phil Collins record beats my findings."

"Thank you, but..." SPLAT

Peridot smacked herself on the head dramatically. "Oh, but I have forgotten someone, haven't I? Pearl! Pearl, 3 Peaaarl~, what have you found~?" she asked in a mock friendly tone.

"Never mind. I accept my defeat," Pearl said.

"Aww, come on, P, you gotta show us what you found!" Amethyst begged.

"Fine... Well, even after spending more than an hour playing this game, all I found was poop."

And so it was that even though Peridot placed second (2nd), she was the best gem ever made. (Also, everyone praised her for letting Connie win. Except Connie, who insisted that she had simply won, period.)

Long live Peridot!

 **ENDUT!**

 **HOCH HECH!**

'

-o-

Pearl was scrolling the strange text up and down by (ab)using the mousewheel (she had connected a mouse to Peridot's laptop, because touchpads are a pain in the butt), trying to make some sense of the story flashing in front of her eyes.

Peridot had left her laptop carelessly on the living quarters table, so sccording to Pearl's moral compass (if she even had one) it was only fair that she would stick her nose in Peridot's files. Although Peridot usually carried her iPad with her, she preferred to write longer texts with her laptop while sitting comfortably e.g. on any soft sofa she could find.

Suddenly, Pearl heard the door to gem rooms open. It was Amethyst's door, but Peridot was the first to emerge from the room.

"Hey! What are you doing with my laptop?" she shrieked.

"I'm reading this... fictional story. Is that what this is? Amethyst suggested I read it. Did you happen to write it?"

Peridot wanted to tell Pearl 'No, and I have no idea what it is' and 'May I have my laptop, please?' but instead said:

"EEP!"

 _I'll be the roundabout_

 _The words will make you out 'n' out..._

 _Can't let a joke go to waste!_

-o-

 **Author's Notes:** Spoilers below the wall of text.

So, Peridot wrote a fanfic. Awww! But was this META enough? I better bribe the judges... and so should Peridot. CHECK OUT CHAPTER 4 FOR THE THRILLING CONCLUSION (don't.)

As I was putting finishing touches on this fic, I was listening to **"A Symphonic Metal Tribute To Steven Universe"** and **"Roundabout"** , two great songs composed by Frédéric Chopin. They can be found on YouTube. Go and check'em already!

 **Frédéric François Chopin** (1 March 1810 – 17 October 1849) was a Polish composer and virtuoso pianist of the Romantic era who wrote primarily for the solo piano. He gained and has maintained renown worldwide as a leading musician of his era, whose "poetic genius was based on a professional technique that was without equal in his generation." (Further reading: Rosen, Charles (1995). _The Romantic Generation_. Cambridge, Massachusetts: Harvard University Press. ISBN 978-0-674-77933-4.)

PeeSea (PC) is the best overall gaming platform. However, there are a few problems that gamers need to be aware of, especially in the case if one chooses to be an honest customer. Things aren't cheap, after all. The problems in modern gaming include, but are not limited to: Always online - requirements, political agenda over gameplay - mentality, oppressive, resource hogging and potentially hard drive damaging DRM, "games as a service" - model, lack of community controlled dedicated multiplayer servers, overzealous game moderators, censorship or demonization of player generated content and culture, the eSports "scene" (what a joke), planned obsolescence of hardware, technical limitations owing to multiplatform concept, paid mods, DLC, extra DLC, super DLC, day one DLC and last, but not least, localization of games in order to not _offend_ the "sensibilities of country X" (an euphenism for blatant censorship).

All these and other anti consumer practices are particularly sad when you think about new gamers: it's hard to notice that you're being treated like a dumb moron (well, dumber than before) by the Current Year(tm) AAA game industry if that's all you've ever known. Minecraft is by no means a perfect game in any way, but it doesn't suffer from most of the aforementioned crap (I think). (And that wasn't product placement.)

F. Nietzsche Day Freestyle Fanfic Competition 2018 ends in 3 days. I'm going to win it.

Next: Chapter 2. It's something completely different.

And now for the spoilers:

 **LARS WAS PINK DIAMOND ALL ALONG!** Yes, it's true. Forget what you've known about this series. Pink D isn't Lion or Steven. The next Steven bomb will reveal that Lars is the reincarnation of Pink Diamond. It explains why he doesn't feel comfortable in his own skin and the real reason why Emerald couldn't destroy him; she _knows_. When Steven resurrected Lars on Homeworld, he kind of atoned for killing him/her when he was Rose - very deep and symbolic! There will be a peaceful resolution to the epic saga once the remaining Diamonds realize what happened and who Lars really is.

 **That's the end of spoilers.**


	2. Enlightenment

**Chapter 2:** 12 (Number)

"If you want your children to be Albert Einsteins, read them intelligent tales." - A fairy

-o-

 **The Genre of Gemder identity: Realism in the works of Sugar**

 _Peridot 2F5L/5XG_

 _Department of English, Homeworld University_

1\. Sugar and neotextual dialectic theory

If one examines presemioticist rationalism, one is faced with a choice: either reject textual narrative or conclude that class has objective value, but only if language is distinct from culture; otherwise, we can assume that the goal of the writer is social comment. Rubnitz's model of neotextual dialectic theory implies that the media is used in the service of sexist perceptions of society. Thus, Fokker[1] suggests that we have to choose between presemioticist rationalism and modern neodeconstructivist theory.

"Reality is part of the defining characteristic of sexuality," says Herrington. Tennant uses the term 'realism' to denote the bridge between society and truth. But the subject is interpolated into a textual dematerialism that includes language as a reality.

The premise of neotextual dialectic theory states that discourse is a product of communication. However, if subcapitalist discourse holds, we have to choose between neotextual dialectic theory and matriarchialist preconceptual theory.

Michael uses the term 'the capitalist paradigm of consensus' to denote not, in fact, sublimation, but postsublimation. But Germanotta[2] holds that we have to choose between neotextual dialectic theory and presemanticist libertarianism.

The primary theme of the works of Sugar is a mythopoetical whole. It could be said that Ridgeley uses the term 'conceptual narrative' to denote the role of the participant as poet.

Many theories concerning the common ground between class and truth may be revealed. Thus, the characteristic theme of McLaughlin's[3] critique of realism is not narrative per se, but neonarrative.

* * *

 **Professor Tinchén van der Fokker of the Beach City University put the essay down and looked at the green gem standing on the other side of the table.** "Miss Peridot, please have a essay is... quite interesting. Is there anything you would like to tell me?"

"Um, I used one of your journals as a reference?" Peridot suggested with an idiot grin on her face.

"Yes, I noticed that," Fokker replied. "But I couldn't help noticing that your writing style seems rather familiar."

 _Oh, dirt! Does it realize what I did?_ Peridot thought. She couldn't quite tell if professor Fokker was a gentleman, lady, both or neither, so she had decided to use the pronoun 'it' when she was thinking about the professor. Addressing the professor was easier: Peridot could simply say 'Yes, professor' or 'No, professor.' Simple as heck.

Before Peridot could answer to the accusation, the honorable professor continued: "Miss Peridot. You did NOT write this yourself - you simply copypasted 85% of your essay from some online nonsense generator and changed bits and pieces of it here and there. The content you _did_ write is, if possible, even more horrible garbage. You attempted to butter me up by including _Realism and neotextual dialectic theory_ (Fokker, van der T. (1998), Beach City University Press) as a reference. And I've never heard of a 'Homeworld University!' Your so called essay is an amateurish forgery. You have broken all the rules and made a mockery of the spirit of academia."

Peridot felt like she was sweating. Professor Fokker noticed how uneasy the gem felt, so _it_ reached for the desk drawer and produced a can of Pepsi, which _it_ then handed to Peridot, much to the gem's confusion.

"Miss Peridot, you are exactly the kind of material we are looking for. I am hiring you as a lecturer. How soon can you start?"

"Wait, what?!"

"It wasn't a trick question. Can you start next week?"

"Yes, I can start next week! Lecturer sounds just wonderful! Um, what exactly shall I be lecturing about?"

"We will create a completely new field of study and a degree to go with it. Or heck, maybe one for each gem type!" Fokker spoke with a voice that carried tons of misguided ambition. "As for the official designations, we will simply fire the post modern generator up again," Fokker said, winking at Peridot. "Take 'gemder studies', for example - that's a start!"

What professor Fokker didn't know was that Peridot had actually tried to apply for a job as a janitor. The essay she had brought with her was the result of Amethyst trolling her earlier. "I know something about applying a job," the sneaky quartz warrior had said. "You better fire up your word processor program."

-o-

Peridot quit the job after two weeks. When Amethyst later asked why, Peridot grumpily replied that she would rather polish royal Saudi Arabian jewels or the Bishop of London's pearls for a minimum wage. No matter how much Amethyst prodded Peridot, she would never explain exactly what it was that had made her quit.

Amethyst felt bad for Peridot, so she decided to lift the green gem's spirits a little. So, one evening, she invited Peridot to the Temple.

"Hey, Peridot!" Amethyst greeted Peridot. "Glad you could make it. Come closer, I wanna show you something."

"What do you want to show me?" Peridot asked, hesitating.

"Peridooot... c'mere. Come on, now."

"Fine... HEY! What are you doing?" Peridot shouted in surprise as Amethyst grabbed her by the waist.

"I'm making up for tro... um, pranking you earlier," Amethyst whispered into Peridot's ear. "You went through all that trouble because of me. I'll teach you some dance moves - they are very useful, you know. Here, take a hold of my hand..."

Peridot learned quickly. They kept dancing to the tune of "Lady Marmalade"...

AND THEN THEY FUSED.

-o-

 **A/N:** I got the chapter title by clicking "Random Article" on Wiki-Peri-pherium. What is interesting that the number 12 comes up in religious context. Jesus had 12 apostles. 12 is the number of apostles Jesus had. Twelve is also a Street Fighter 3:TS character who can SHAPESHIFT.

This chapter takes place before before chapter 1... maybe I should have made that clear in the actual story... bah...


	3. Don't forget your sandwiches!

**Chapter 3:** Priyanka Maheswaran's War

(This chapter takes place before Priyanka and Doug met, as you will soon find out.)

-o-

"FANFICTION SUCKS!

Hey you! Stop writing that crap!

'Art' So Awful Only E. L. James Could Love It!"

\- Text in a motivational poster found in Camp Victory, Southern Nevada

-o-

 **DRAMATIS PERSONAE:**

Priyanka Maheswaran - human female from Delmarva

John Sobel - human male from Washington (state)

Master Sergeant Ettienne R. LaFitte - human male from LA

Recruits - humans, American

Garfield - male cat from Springfield

 **ACT I**

 **SCENE I. Southern Nevada. Camp Victory Barracks Hallway.**

 _Enter PRIYANKA, SOBEL, and other Recruits_

 **SOBEL (A/N: IMPORTANT: He is standing next to Priyanka)**

[To Priyanka] So, what are you here in for?

 **PRIYANKA**

I beg your pardon? You must have misunderstood.

 **SOBEL**

Have I? Let me rephrase. What do you seek from this place?

 **PRIYANKA**

Adventure, free education, a chance to serve my country...

 **SOBEL**

Is that all?

 **PRIYANKA**

I want to become a real man through blood, sweat and tears.

 **SOBEL**

Ha! Well said.

 **PRIYANKA**

And what are you in here for, if I may ask?

 **SOBEL**

I only wish to serve my country, like my ancestors before me.

 **PRIYANKA**

I see. Are you by any chance related to...

 **SOBEL**

No, no relation. You see...

 **Recruit:**

Shush! A drill sergeant is coming!

 _Enter LAFITTE_

 **LAFITTE**

Good morning, ladies! I am your senior drill instructor, Master Sergeant Ettienne R. LaFitte! In the following weeks, you will learn what it is to be a soldier! But right now, you are nothing but scum, phlegm at best. A word of advice: When you speak to me, you will begin and end your sentences with 'sir'. Do you maggots understand me?

 **Recruits**

Sir, yes, sir!

 **LAFITTE**

I can't hear you!

 **Recruits**

SIR, YES, SIR!

 **LAFITTE**

[To a Recruit] What's your name, dirtbag?

 **Recruit**

Sir, private Dirtbag, sir!

 **LAFITTE**

Private Dirtbag, eh? Where are you from?

 **Recruit**

Sir, Illinois, sir!

 **LAFITTE**

Dirtbag from Illinois? No lowlife scum sucking lazy maggot clod under my command will be called Dirtbag from Illinois! From now on, your name will be private Joshua Chesterton! Do you like that name?

 **Recruit**

Sir, yes, sir!

 **LAFITTE**

I can't hear you!

 **Recruit**

SIR, YES, SIR!

 **LAFITTE**

Bull%$&!, I still can't hear you!

 **PRIYANKA**

I wonder why that is.

 **LAFITTE**

Who said that! Who in the name of St. George said that? Who is the little stand up comedian? No one? It must have been a pink, magical lion!

[To a recruit standing next to Priyanka] I think you did it!

 **Recruit**

Sir, no, sir!

 **LAFITTE**

Do you understand that I have feelings, too?

 **Recruit**

Sir, yes, sir!

 **LAFITTE**

Then why did you insult me?

 **Recruit**

Sir, I didn't, sir!

 **PRIYANKA**

Sir, it was me, sir!

 **LAFITTE**

Well holy cow! He have ourselves a real Silverman wannabe over here! What's your name, scumbag?

 **PRIYANKA**

Sir, private Maheswaran, sir!

 **LAFITTE**

What? I can't hear... I mean, how do you spell 'Maheswaran'?

 **PRIYANKA**

Sir, M-A-H-E-S-W-A-R-A-N, sir!

 **LAFITTE**

Wonderful! I'll have to remember that. Or maybe I don't! Are you from Kerala by any chance?

 **PRIYANKA**

Sir, no, sir!

 **LAFITTE**

London?

 **PRIYANKA**

Sir, no, sir!

 **LAFITTE**

Then where are you from?

 **PRIYANKA**

Sir, Delmarva, Sir!

 **LAFITTE**

Delmarva? I have never heard of a Priyanka from Delmarva! From now on, your name is Pocahontas. It stands for 'ill behaving child' or 'playful one.' Do you like that name?

 **PRIYANKA**

Sir, yes, sir!

 **LAFITTE**

Great. It's an easier name to remember. Now pay attention, private Pocahontas. As a special prize, you have volunteered for extra duties for this week. [To the Recruits] Attention! I need one morevolunteer.

 **SOBEL**

Sir, I volunteer, sir!

 **LAFITTE**

Then you are either very dumb or very industrious. What's your name, sweet cheeks?

 **SOBEL**

Sir, private Sobel, sir!

 **LAFITTE**

Do you like dogs?

 **SOBEL**

Sir, yes, sir!

 **LAFITTE**

Do you like cats?

 **SOBEL**

Sir, yes, sir!

 **LAFITTE**

Well isn't that nice. So do I! Private Sobel, private Pocahontas, you will assist in handing out the evening tea and scones to your fellow recruits. You will both report to the duty officer at exactly 1700 hours. Any questions?

 **PRIYANKA**

Sir, tea and scones, sir?

 **LAFITTE**

Yes, tea and scones! Do you have a problem with that, private?

 **PRIYANKA**

Sir, no, sir!

 **LAFITTE**

Are you a cuisine supremacist?

 **PRIYANKA**

Sir, no, sir!

 **LAFITTE**

OK. [To everyone] Listen up, maggots! Next on our schelude is cleaning duty. I want these hallways and your rooms fresh and shiny! Is that clear?

 **Recruits**

Sir, yes, Sir!

 **LAFITTE**

Squad dismissed!

 _Exit LAFITTE._

 **SOBEL**

How come he didn't give me a name?

 **PRIYANKA**

There is nothing wrong with Sobel.

 **SOBEL**

Thank you.

 **PRIYANKA**

I must say that I like this place already.

 **SOBEL**

How can you say that?

 **PRIYANKA**

I have vocal cords.

 **SOBEL**

That's not what I meant.

 **PRIYANKA**

'Sir-LaFitte-sir' seems fair when compared to my parents.

 **SOBEL**

You jest!

 **PRIYANKA**

Maybe I do. I hate his guts already. Oh well, at least he gave me a nickname.

 **SOBEL**

He did, didn't he? Don't anger anger him in vain, lest things get tough for you.

 **PRIYANKA**

I am tough, too.

 _Exit_

(Synopsis of Acts II-IV: Priyanka, displaying a cocky and reckless attitude and the apparent unwillingness to take responsibility for her own mistakes, was eventually whisked away to an United States Air Force unit in Groom Lake, Arizona. As she was not suitable for the job of a mechanic or a GCI, she was assigned into the 181st Ground Attack Squadron, flying the feared A-10C Thunderbolts.

After a routine mission, Priyanka Maheswaran suffered a small war injury. She slipped on a banana (not just a banana peel but a whole banana) after exiting the cockpit. Having recovered, she requested transfer to medical corps training and was accepted. This was the starting point of her medical career. Some other cool stuff happened, too, such as her second tour, this time as a proud member of the United States Air Force Nurse Corps during the second half of the Golden Sands incident.)

-o-

 **A/N:** This chapter was something of a bonus episode. For truly artistic reasons, it's not the final chapter.

By the way, it was Doug who adopted Priyanka's surname when they got married. What a wuss. And his glasses are awful.


	4. The Greatest Story ever told

**Chapter 4:** Synthesis

"If you want your children to be fairies, read them Einstein tales." - an intelligent person

-o-

Sadie Miller gave a heavy sigh, but no one was around to hear it. Just like in her old job as a donut saleswoman, she often had to occupy the counter alone. Well, not completely alone: she was wearing a gun belt with two holsters, with her Colt M1911 pistols, affectionally named Jesse and James, both locked and loaded. The weight of the guns pressing against her hips gave her a feeling of comfort and safety.

"I wonder if this was a good idea," Sadie wondered. "Change can be a good thing, but I have to wonder if this shop goes under the hammer one day." She briefly considered playing with her keyring (she had shot her fidget spinner) to relieve some pent up stress, but her thoughts were thankfully interrupted as the front door bell said DING DONG!

Peridot opened the door with her metal powers while striking a Super Man pose. She had literally won the lottery and had decided to go for some shopping with Amethyst, her slave, in tow.

"Come along, Amethyst!" Peridot said, imitating a British accent.

Amethyst and Peridot had been teasing each other on the way. "Fine, but lemme give you a reminder that I'm not your slave," Amethyst said. "I'm just helping you carry your stuff because you're cute, and I don't want you to poof yourself."

"That is acceptable," Peridot replied. She walked up to the counter behind which Sadie ruled the establishment.

Sadie, having neglected to check the security cameras, was relaxed to find that it was indeed the friendly gems instead of ruffians that had entered her store. "Peridot, Amethyst, nice to see you! Oh, I forgot: Welcome to Guns'R'Us! I'm Sadie Killer... I mean Miller, and I will be serving you today. What can I do for you guys?"

"Amethyst, my iPad," Peridot said, extending her hand.

Amethyst complied and retrieved a working iPad from her gem and handed it to Peridot.

"Now, let's see," Peridot began. "I'd like to buy some portable guns (barreled ranged weapons) that inflict damage on targets by launching one or more projectiles driven by rapidly expanding high-pressure gas produced by exothermic combustion (deflagration) of propellant within an ammunition cartridge."

Sadie brightened up even further. "Well, you came to the right place! So, do you have anything specific in mind?"

"I do," Peridot said. "I'd like seven Mac-11's, about eight .38's, nine 9's, ten Mac-10's and some .357s for my bit... um, for my friends."

"Anything else? You know you can get a discount if you exceed the $75,000 purchase limit."

"Yes. In addition, I wish to buy the following weapons: M-16A2, Mp5, P90, UMP 45, Desert Eagle, P.228, USP Tactical, IMI Uzi, Mossberg Tactical Shotgun, Spas-12, AK-47, AK-74, AKS-74U, Saiga-12, Browning Automatic Rifle (BAR), Luger pistol, Mauser C96, FG-42, MP-40, Lahti-Saloranta M/26, Nambu Type 90, Type 38 rifle Arisaka, Type 96 light machine gun, Bren Mk.2 Light Machine Gun, Sturmgewehr 44, Karabiner 98k, Gewehr 43, M1 Garand, M1928A1 Thompson, Mosin–Nagant 91/30, PPSh-41, Degtyaryov machine gun, Lee Enfield No.4 Mk.I(T), SVD Dragunov, M40, M60, M249, MG-34, MG-42, MG-3, Minigun, All-American, Steyr AUG, AWM-P, PSG-1, Walther WA 2000, FAMAS (even though it's held together with ersatz potato glue), GALIL, HK G36K, HK G3SG/1, Colt M1911, M37 Ithaca, Enfield L85A1 (yuck) and a Sten Mk. II. Oh, and one Pancor Jackhammer, please."

"...aaaand one Pancor Jackhammer," Sadie repeated, clicking with her mouse and occasionally tapping her terminal's keyboard. "Would you like some ammo with those?"

"Uh... What?" Peridot had completely forgot the fact that she also had to buy ammunition. It was unlikely that she could "borrow" ammunition for all her firearms from Greg, who probably only had some 5.56mm Nato standard rounds lying around.

"Yes or yes?" Sadie asked helpfully.

"I'm not sure... I guess 'yes' is the logical choice."

"Wonderful! I'll have your things ready as soon as possible. It might take awhile, though..."

"I'll give you a hand," Amethyst said.

"Thanks, Amy! You're the best. Say, do you have any way of transporting your guns or..."

"We have a pickup and a trailer outside. And before you ask, we have gun crates and locks for them."

Peridot swiped her credit card in the reader and paid for the weapons. She knew that Amethyst and Sadie would spend at least some time gossiping and catching up. Displaying uncharesteristic patience, she grabbed the latest issue of Cosmopolitan and sat on a plastic chair. After reading 5 pages, her cheeks were colored dark green.

The door behind the counter opened. Sadie and Amethyst stepped in the room. "Lol, put that rag down," Amethyst said as she noticed Peridot with her nose stuck to a very interesting article about weapons.

"What? Did you really say 'lol' just now? Never mind. Did you already pack the weapons?"

"All done," Amethyst said. "We goin'?"

"Yes."

"Later, Sadie Miller! Don't take any wooden coins, ok?"

"Heh, I won't," Sadie promised. "Remember, if you guys need a refill, just stop by at Guns'R'Us! Bye!"

-o-

Peridot and Amethyst drove through Beach City towards the Temple, with Miami Vice soundtrack playing on the CD player. Somehow, the pickup borrowed from Greg didn't choke under the gigantic load of weapons and ammo.

"Mind if I ask you something?" Amethyst asked.

"What is it?"

"Well, I was thinking... Is there a reason for all these weapons? Is it because you can't summon a weapon of your own?"

Peridot was silent.

"Come on, Dot, you know you can talk to me."

"Augh! Don't call me Dot - it has to be something that starts with _Peri_. And to answer your question, well, I kind of got an... What do you Earthborn call it? Itch! Long before I resigned from my last job, I got the itch for Earth weapons. All those soldiers firing their rifles, spinning and throwing them in the air... They looked so cool!" Peridot's eyes began to shine, and Amethyst could see it even though they both were wearing sunglasses. "Many Earth weapons also double as melée weapons - I'd like to think that I'm not an amateur anymore when it comes to martial arts, even though our Pearl's experience, skill and artistic expression are greater than mine for the time being. Perhaps Donnie Yen, too, could still outperform me. Oh, and you know how I'm a mechanical genius?"

Amethyst nodded. "Sure, Perillaldehyde!"

"Earth weapons are mechanical in nature. I mean, _really_ mechanical as opposed to Homeworld weapons. They are crude but practical, and I find the inner workings of them fascinating. I won't be bored for the next 5 months as I'll be absorbing all the information about these guns, rifles, shotguns and so on."

"I see. You really are going for a hands-on approach, then? I do that with food."

"Yes! Well said! I have pirated some weapon manuals, and I'll be studying them first, though. I wouldn't want to hold a gun upside down."

"Uh huh. Or the wrong end aimed at your face."

"Exactly! Ah, we're at the Temple. Will you help me unload?"

"Yeah, but why didn't we go to the Barn?"

"Safety reasons - The gem rooms are infinitely safer than the Barn. I'll store most of the weapons in your room, actually."

Amethyst sighed. "Where else? You'll have to buy me a lunch, though."

"I can buy you two. Let's get to work!"

Eventually, all the weapon crates were neatly stacked inside Amethyst's room. "Once again, I thank you," Peridot said to Amethyst. "I won't forget our future lunches."

Amethyst smiled. "Good! I wouldn't want to eat your guns. Or you."

"Well, I hope you won't eat either. Come on, let's go see what the others are up to - maybe they want to chip in and help me set up a firing range." With that, Peridot stepped to the door which opened...

...revealing Pearl sitting on the couch, fiddling with Peridot's laptop. So occupied had Peridot and Amethyst been with the weapon crates that they hadn't noticed Pearl enter the Temple.

"Hey! What are you doing with my laptop?" Peridot shrieked.

"I'm reading this... fictional story. Is that what this is? Amethyst suggested I read it. Did you happen to write it?"

"EEP!"

"What are you eeping for now?" Amethyst asked.

Peridot turned around in a blink of an eye, flailing her arms. "PEARL IS READING _THE_ STORY I WROTE!"

"So you _did_ write this," Pearl said. Seeing how Peridot was on the verge of poofing, she added: "Hey, it's ok! I think it's... interesting. Self expression is a good thing!"

"You're... You're not angry that I made you, um... you know, find poop?"

Before Pearl could explain that she had gained tons of patience and grown as a gem and as a person during the last 12 crazy months, Amethyst burst into laughter. "HA HA HA! So you followed my advice and made Pearl find... HA HAAA! Heh, good one, Peryite!" Then, realizing what she had just admitted, she covered her mouth with her both hands, but it was too late. _Whoops!_

Pearl gave a chuckle. "I see. We have two budding authors here," she said, turning her face towards the screen. She scrolled the text up and down once more. "Oh, if you two could see the look on your faces... How could I be angry at either of you? Although, I'd like to know why I'm the butt of the so called joke in this story."

"That I can answer," Peridot said. "I started writing that story right after we held our robot competition. I, um, I was quite steamed about getting punched by a mere pearl. No offense - You see, back then I didn't think that a pearl could be a Pearl with a capital P, just like a peridot could be... Peridot. So, it was all the more embarassing for me to be punched by a Pearl."

Amethyst's eyes shifted from Pearl to Peridot and vice versa as she anticipated the two nerds having a mature discussion for a change.

"I didn't know you took it so hard," Pearl said. "I'm sorry. I really am."

"It's okay," Peridot assured. "I... I did provoke you. And I think we demonstrated our capability of getting over our differences as we worked together on the cluster drill. But we never, um..."

"But we never officially shook hands, either figuratively or literally," Pearl finished. "Well, it's time to fix that! Here - I extend my hand to you in friendship." And she did just that.

Peridot didn't hesitate for a second. She took Pearl's hand, shook it... and then pulled herself closer and hugged the taller gem.

"Oh!"

"Yay, another point for friendship!" Amethyst commented. "All's well that ends well, right?"

"I... I won't argue with that," Pearl agreed, returning Peridot's hug.

"Thank you!" Peridot said. "You know, I just had an idea. How about we all went to the beach? Let's invite Lapis, Steven, Garnet, Greg and Connie - the whole _karass_ of ours - and _shoot some damn guns!_ "

"We could do that," Pearl said. "But maybe we should postpone it until next week. We have a bit of spring cleaning left to do, you see... Besides, I have a better idea."

"What is it?"

Pearl started caressing Peridot's hair. "I think we could fuse."

"OH MY STARS! Really? You? ME?!"

"Whoa, Pearl..." Amethyst managed. "You think Peridot can handle you?"

"No more hunger or thirst, Amy," Pearl said and winked. "So, sweet Peridit... How about it? We should fuse for the sake of the science alone. Do you agree?"

"Y-yes! It's a great idea! Huh, I guess I could donate the weapons to the poor..."

"No," Pearl objected. "Forget about the weapons for a moment."

"OK. Now what?"

"Now we dance. Amethyst, could you put some music on?"

"Sure thing, P!"

Pearl and Peridot started dancing to the music (Junior Jack - My feeling), but one of them had two left feet which resulted in both of them almost losing their balance. In the resulting confusion, Pearl stepped on a toy car and fell, almost taking Peridot with her. **Fortunately, she fell on the sofa. Peridot managed to keep her balance.**

"Oh my stars, are you OK?!" Peridot exclaimed.

"I'm fine," Pearl replied. "But my gem is glowing! Quick, come closer!"

Peridot leaned over, intending to inspect Pearl's gem for possible cracks. She hadn't noticed that her own gem glowing, too. Peridot suddenly felt a tingling sensation...

AND THEN THEY FUSED!

The fusion was already blushing heavily as she assumed her form. "Oh my..." she said. "This is something else! We are... I am called Nealite."

"Nice fusion! I mean, really _noice_ ," Amethyst commented. "Looks like you've inherited Pearl's nose!"

"I have indeed," Nealite agreed. "And it's a very nice nose. But something is missing..."

"An ending joke?" Amethyst asked.

Nealite nodded. "I'd like to hear one."

"Sorry, I've only got really bad and stale jokes."

"Actually, our sense of humor has broadened now that we are fused," Nealite said. "It must be a byproduct of our IQ increasing."

"Yeah, you kinda need high IQ to enjoy some of my best material," Amethyst said with a smile. _That, or you just gotta flush Pearl's inhibitions down the toilet._ "Okay then... lemme think... Ah, I have it! Listen: nose... nice... noice... Rolls Royce. Nose noice! Get it? Rolls Royce - nose noice!"

Nealite tilted her head slightly, unsure of what to make of Amethyst's "brilliant" joke.

"Aww, crap, it was just a bad pun," Amethyst lamented. "It doesn't even tie in to anything." Indeed, it was painfully obvious that a proper set up and punchline were completely absent. Even if there had been a link between Nealite and Rolls Royce cars, it wouldn't have been funny.

"That's okay," Nealite said. "What you just invented was a post modern joke!"

"Hey, you're right! OMG, I JUST INVENTED ANOTHER! Listen to this: What do you call a hamburger that doesn't have ham or a burger?"

"Hmm, that sounds more like a classical joke. Is the answer Jerry Seinfeld's dinner?"

"Close, but no banana. It's a NOTHINGBURGER!"

And then everyone lived happily ever after.

 **The End**

(For Now...)

-o-

 **Author's Notes, Thanks and Acknowledgements:**

Stephen King ( _On Writing, The Shining, Dark Tower:_ _parts I - MXI)_

Beatrix Potter ( _Peter Rabbit murders humans_ )

荒木 飛呂彦

Notorious B.I.G.

Notorious W.A.M.

Domino Foods, the sugar refining company founded by Henry Osborne Havemeyer

Sarah Anderson

William Shatner

GIMP (GNU IMAGE MANIPULATION PROGRAM)

The Golden Raspberry Awards jury, staff, nominees & winners

Probably tons of others I've forgotten

You, for reading this!

Even bigger thanks for the following persons for inspiration:

Karl Marx

Justin Trudeau

Vladimir Lenin

Angela Merkel

Uncle Ho Chi Minh

Mark Zuckerberg, the best damn human on this planet that ever lived.

Joseph Stalin

 **Special thanks to George Lucas**

(There's no shame in selling out. It only means that you had something valuable to sell in the first place. And money doesn't stink. The owner of the public toilet in ancient Rome sure knew that! Some say he was the emperor)

 _Karass_ is a concept in bokononism, a fictional religion found in Kurt Vonnegut's novel "Cat's cradle." Read it and you will panic every time a cool gust of wind hits you in the face during summertime.

Everything else, especially the jokes, have been stol... that is, they are clever and respectful intermedial homages to inspiring and uplifting works of art.


End file.
